New Discovery: Tran-Siberian Orchestra

Being culturally secluded as I am, I was not aware of a group called the Trans-Siberian Orchestra, nor of their impressively large Christmas music discography. By extention, I was not aware of what is now the champion Most Annoying Christmas Song Ever.

It happened this way: my husband and I were driving home from a bar or a grocery store or some such locale on the evening of December 21st. Not far from our house is a Baptist church, and as we drove towards it we were perplexed to see their garish Christmas light display blinking on and off in seemingly random patterns. Then Mr. Bir Toujour noticed a little sign that said "Tune in to 101.85".

So we pulled into the parking lot, facing the light display as if it were a drive-in movie screen. Then we tuned in to 101.85, and lo and behold! All kinds of baroque rock opera type shit accosted us from our truck's speakers. Yes, it was Trans-Siberian Orchestra's "Carol of the Bells", which is a medley (death!) garnished with swatches of pseudo-metal. Those guys were giving Mannheim Steamroller a run for their money.

So it turns out the lights were blinking in sync to "Carol of the Bells". Mr. Bir Toujour and I watched, transfixed, horrified, delighted. It was amazing. I told all of my friends to go see it, but the light display never came on again. Perhaps Joe and I stumbled on to a little Christmas Kismet, a minor Christmas miracle.

This blinking-display thing may be a phenomenon. Check out YouTube to see many variations from all over the country. Here's a link to a video of some house's own version of Trans-Siberian Orchestra's crap pile of crap. But it's just not as awesome as the one was at the Baptist church. Thank you, Baptist church near our house, for the unforgettable Christmas gift.

Tapes n' Tapes

I got a tape player. It happened to be attached to a record player and 8-track player. What I really wanted was the turntable--I didn't have one, and I wanted to play all of my Christmas music, which I think sounds better on vinyl. Especially Johnny Mathis' first Christmas album.
It turns out the turntable works pretty crappy--the speed is off, which does not do Johnny Mathis much justice. But the tape player is fine. I brought in my old cassette tapes from our storage shed and have been having a grand old time.

Only one speaker works on my little stereo, which is not very powerful. Listening to tapes on the thing makes me feel like I'm listening to the first recorded music ever, that it's very primitive and magical.

A lot of bad music is easily found on cassette tapes. Jesus Jones, for example. But I have a lot of wonderful music on cassette tape, and I'm glad I saved all my old tapes, even though they are cumbersome and beat up.

Minor Threat sounds great on cassette tape, very punky. Dr. Octagon could sound better, but I only have that album on cassette, so by default it sounded great. R.E.M.'s Green sounded not okay. It's not one of their best albums.

Cassette tapes are very mortal, in a way. Listening to them brings my youth back in a very visceral manner, yet the tapes sound increasingly distant, their sound fading with each passing year. Some year they probably won't work at all, at which point maybe I'll be non-functional myself.


Right here in this photo are a few of my all-time favorite albums: Scrawl's Velvet Hammer, the Pixies' Trompe le Monde, and They Might Be Giants' Lincoln. There are also mix tapes from two ex-boyfriends. As well as INXS's Kick, which is kind of shitty and kind of great.

Six Things that Make Good Christmas Music Bad

Christmas music is rife with badness. There are wonderful Christmas songs, of course; I think, in most cases, the raw material--the songs--are solid and capable of evoking powerful emotions.

But it's the interpretations that mess them up. A few key factors of bad plague holiday songs to a too-high degree.
-Children's choirs. Only parents like to hear kids singing, and only *their* kids. But producers of recorded Christmas music love to stick Children's choirs in there, as if to strike a whimsical, innocent note. It's a move that rings Hollywood-hollow instead of cute or sweet. The only song I can think of that used a children's choir to advantage is "You Can't Always Get What You Want," which wisely kept the kid-singing to a minimum, and also played up this very English sense of formality and emotional repression to great effect. Plus it's not a Christmas song.
Pretty much any recording of "All I Want for Christmas (Is My Two Front Teeth)" proves the point of the kid-singing problem.
-The notion that Christmas is the best day of the year and every day should be Christmas. At the store where I work, this Jon Bon Jovi song (I don't know the title, but I can guess) goes on and on about how Jon Bon Jovi wishes every day were Christmas. Somehow, I don't belive that Jon Bon Jovi wishes every day were Christmas. He's rich and has a pretty decent post-Bon Jovi career going for himself, and I bet he enjoys the summer, his birthday, Thanksgiving, and all the days in between pretty damn well. There's a reason Christmas comes only once a year.
-Barbara Streisand's maddeningly up-tempo "Jingle Bells?" A lot of people hate this song. It should only be played a handful of times each Christmas season. Why?
"J-j-j-j-j-jingle bells!
J-j-j-j-j-jjangle bells!
J-j-j-j-j-jall the way!
On a ooonnnnneeeee
hooooorse
oooopennnnnn
Slayyyyyyyyy!"
It has an evil capability to latch upon the cranium in tick-like fasion, sucking out all pleasure and good humor.
On a side note, I think someone should make a compilation: "A Very Jewish Christmas." Every good Jewish popstar has recorded a Christmas album, or at least a Christmas song. Babs, Neil Diamond, I bet even Mama Cass.
-Random, playful shouting in songs. This happens in another song played at the store where I work, a terrible version of "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town" by the Pointer Sisters. Normally I have no objection to the Pointer Sisters, but I hatehatehate their version of "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town." It has a lot of very insincere ad-libbing and pseudo-jollyness, and gives me the same feeling as a bad Broadway show. I don't want to hear other people shout and yell when I'm at work, or shopping, unless it's like a Minor Threat song or something. Someone shouting because they are pissed or pumped, but not because they are getting paid a lot to fake having fun.
-Medleys. I've always disliked medleys, which may be one reason I quit the high school marching band. What's worse than hearing one annoying Christmas song? Hearing five mini-Christmas songs in one.
-"Hey Santa" by Carnie and Wendy Wilson. Terrible, terrible lyrics about how the Wilson sisters want Santa to please bring them back their cheatin', no-show man, who hasn't shown up yet even though it's midnight. My song like that would be "Hey Santa, go wring that fucker's neck/I ate up the cookies waiting for him/Drank all the eggnog and moved on to gin/He's probably scoring some junk out there now/Hit him on the head with a bough/Of holly, or mistletoe". Something like that.
-Mannheim Steamroller. I dig synthesizers and all, but man. I think I'd rather hear a gaggle of kids singing.

I actually really like a lot of Christmas music, especially religious songs. Probably because I used to get dragged to church as a kid. I find the lyrics of non-secular Christmas songs to be more majestic. Like right now I'm listening to Jim Nabors belt our "O Come, All Ye Faithfull" with some giant choir. The song has Latin in it. More Christmas songs need Latin. A Latin version of "Let It Snow" would be rad. So would a Yiddish version.

New Contest

Wow, you're fast. I just created this blog for the North Bay Bohemian's Bad 13 Challenge, our third annual mix CD contest. Check back soon for good thoughts on bad music.